If you are following my page because you feel like we can relate because we suffer from BPD, please check out my side link (Into the looking glass etc.) And please watch the video I posted about what it feels like to have BPD (my second post). We are all so used to the clinical terms of the criteria but very few people understand these clinical terms emotionally, this goes for both those with BPD and those without. I’m hoping both my webpage link about BPD and the video can at least for a moment make the people we love understand how we feel or help us to feel not so alone! Please note that both the video and my informational site are potentially self-triggering but for myself, both gave me a sense of hope because I realized I’m not alone and also I could show them to people I care about and it has really improved their understanding of me and my behavior and our relationships. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, yes. But I am so much more than that and I refuse to define myself by this illness. We are all special, our eccentricities even increase this specialness. Our suffering may make us difficult sometimes, “crazy”, give us unimaginable pain..but it also gives us a beauty, strength, and a passion that most people are unable to feel. I have suffered through childhood sexual abuse, cancer of a parent for most of my childhood, rape, drug addiction, withdrawal and of course the vicious cycle borderline personality disorder (which the previous facts either created or fed into), and I know most reading this have similar stories or have felt similar pain…and if you ever feel hopeless, are curious, or just plain want to vent…I will always be here to talk to…because I know what its like to feel alone, I know what its like to feel like no one else could ever understand, and I know what it feels like to feel judged and to hate myself. I just want you to know, even though you don’t know me; I will be there for you…because I know how much it can mean, and I understand.
“Borderlines and non-borderlines live in two different worlds that coexist in the same space, but not always at the same time. Comprehending the “real” world, for me, is as formidable as the task of understanding the borderline world is for you”. - A.J. Mahari (recovered sufferer of BPD)
I always had this insatiable hunger for something I couldn’t define, except to call it the bottomless pit of need. Something that made me scared to get close to anybody for fear they’d discover I was rotten and disturbed. So I diversified. I had lots of friends and didn’t get too close to any of them. If I let my guard down and one friend found out how weird I was and they backed off- well, I had fifty-nine others.
But now a romantic relationship has kicked in. The stakes are high, with one person meaning so much. This is different- the guy needs me, too. So maybe it’s safe here. Be with me, please. Every day and every night. Look at me, listen to me. I’m here. See me? I’m here! I’m here…Oh, this is incredible! Finally, the one person who can take all of this need! What a relief!
Hey…wait a minute! He’s resisting this- says he wants to watch TV in peace, says he’s got something else to do. What the hell do I do now? Ooohhh, am I frustrated…Damn it, I hate this guy! I let my guard down- doesn’t he know how hard it was for me to do that? How dare he rather be out with his friends than be right here? How dare he find out what kind of completely disturbed person I am? I’m furious. And I’m embarrassed as hell. I’ve been caught with my pants down- he’s seen the bottomless pit of need.
Embarrassed, I lash out. Let him have it! Hey, guess what buddy- I don’t care about you. Take this- take that! I rage, I scream until I collapse in exhaustion. And then I wake up and I see how much I’ve hurt him. And I despise myself more than I could ever imagine. I’m scared to death. Because I just know he’s gonna walk. I’m so vulnerable. I’m not tough. Please don’t leave. I do need you! How can I show you?
I cry, I beg, I tell him what an incredible man he is, how patient he is. I just know you hate me! You should hate me! I’d be better off dead. You’d be better off without me! No, I mean it- I wish I were dead…He’s relenting a bit. Oh, please, let me make it up to you. Let’s make incredible love anywhere, anytime! Let me show you the best side of my passion. Whew! He’s back. He’s still around. Thank God I didn’t blow it permanently. It feels so good to be with him. He cares. I need him.
When I realize that I’ve causes irrevocable damage- when the cycle has repeated itself so often I’m convinced that I’ve irrevocably blown it- whether or not he has reached this conclusion- I cut the cord and find somebody else. And go through the whole damned thing again.
But now a romantic relationship has kicked in. The stakes are high, with one person meaning so much. This is different- the guy needs me, too. So maybe it’s safe here. Be with me, please. Every day and every night. Look at me, listen to me. I’m here. See me? I’m here! I’m here…Oh, this is incredible! Finally, the one person who can take all of this need! What a relief!
Hey…wait a minute! He’s resisting this- says he wants to watch TV in peace, says he’s got something else to do. What the hell do I do now? Ooohhh, am I frustrated…Damn it, I hate this guy! I let my guard down- doesn’t he know how hard it was for me to do that? How dare he rather be out with his friends than be right here? How dare he find out what kind of completely disturbed person I am? I’m furious. And I’m embarrassed as hell. I’ve been caught with my pants down- he’s seen the bottomless pit of need.
Embarrassed, I lash out. Let him have it! Hey, guess what buddy- I don’t care about you. Take this- take that! I rage, I scream until I collapse in exhaustion. And then I wake up and I see how much I’ve hurt him. And I despise myself more than I could ever imagine. I’m scared to death. Because I just know he’s gonna walk. I’m so vulnerable. I’m not tough. Please don’t leave. I do need you! How can I show you?
I cry, I beg, I tell him what an incredible man he is, how patient he is. I just know you hate me! You should hate me! I’d be better off dead. You’d be better off without me! No, I mean it- I wish I were dead…He’s relenting a bit. Oh, please, let me make it up to you. Let’s make incredible love anywhere, anytime! Let me show you the best side of my passion. Whew! He’s back. He’s still around. Thank God I didn’t blow it permanently. It feels so good to be with him. He cares. I need him.
When I realize that I’ve causes irrevocable damage- when the cycle has repeated itself so often I’m convinced that I’ve irrevocably blown it- whether or not he has reached this conclusion- I cut the cord and find somebody else. And go through the whole damned thing again.
“
| — | Rachel Reiland, author of Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder |
