http://ridelifestraight2perfectlaughter.tumblr.com/

If you are following my page because you feel like we can relate because we suffer from BPD, please...

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 17:32:08 -0500

If you are following my page because you feel like we can relate because we suffer from BPD, please check out my side link (Into the looking glass etc.) And please watch the video I posted about what it feels like to have BPD (my second post). We are all so used to the clinical terms of the criteria but very few people understand these clinical terms emotionally, this goes for both those with BPD and those without. I’m hoping both my webpage link about BPD and the video can at least for a moment make the people we love understand how we feel or help us to feel not so alone! Please note that both the video and my informational site are potentially self-triggering but for myself, both gave me a sense of hope because I realized I’m not alone and also I could show them to people I care about and it has really improved their understanding of me and my behavior and our relationships. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, yes. But I am so much more than that and I refuse to define myself by this illness. We are all special, our eccentricities even increase this specialness. Our suffering may make us difficult sometimes, “crazy”, give us unimaginable pain..but it also gives us a beauty, strength, and a passion that most people are unable to feel. I have suffered through childhood sexual abuse, cancer of a parent for most of my childhood, rape, drug addiction, withdrawal and of course the vicious cycle borderline personality disorder (which the previous facts either created or fed into), and I know most reading this have similar stories or have felt similar pain…and if you ever feel hopeless, are curious, or just plain want to vent…I will always be here to talk to…because I know what its like to feel alone, I know what its like to feel like no one else could ever understand, and I know what it feels like to feel judged and to hate myself. I just want you to know, even though you don’t know me; I will be there for you…because I know how much it can mean, and I understand.

“Borderlines and non-borderlines live in two different...

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:32:40 -0500

“Borderlines and non-borderlines live in two different worlds that coexist in the same space, but not always at the same time. Comprehending the “real” world, for me, is as formidable as the task of understanding the borderline world is for you”. - A.J. Mahari (recovered sufferer of BPD)

"I always had this insatiable hunger for something I couldn’t define, except to call it the..."

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 23:08:00 -0500

“I always had this insatiable hunger for something I couldn’t define, except to call it the bottomless pit of need. Something that made me scared to get close to anybody for fear they’d discover I was rotten and disturbed. So I diversified. I had lots of friends and didn’t get too close to any of them. If I let my guard down and one friend found out how weird I was and they backed off- well, I had fifty-nine others.
But now a romantic relationship has kicked in. The stakes are high, with one person meaning so much. This is different- the guy needs me, too. So maybe it’s safe here. Be with me, please. Every day and every night. Look at me, listen to me. I’m here. See me? I’m here! I’m here…Oh, this is incredible! Finally, the one person who can take all of this need! What a relief!
Hey…wait a minute! He’s resisting this- says he wants to watch TV in peace, says he’s got something else to do. What the hell do I do now? Ooohhh, am I frustrated…Damn it, I hate this guy! I let my guard down- doesn’t he know how hard it was for me to do that? How dare he rather be out with his friends than be right here? How dare he find out what kind of completely disturbed person I am? I’m furious. And I’m embarrassed as hell. I’ve been caught with my pants down- he’s seen the bottomless pit of need.
Embarrassed, I lash out. Let him have it! Hey, guess what buddy- I don’t care about you. Take this- take that! I rage, I scream until I collapse in exhaustion. And then I wake up and I see how much I’ve hurt him. And I despise myself more than I could ever imagine. I’m scared to death. Because I just know he’s gonna walk. I’m so vulnerable. I’m not tough. Please don’t leave. I do need you! How can I show you?
I cry, I beg, I tell him what an incredible man he is, how patient he is. I just know you hate me! You should hate me! I’d be better off dead. You’d be better off without me! No, I mean it- I wish I were dead…He’s relenting a bit. Oh, please, let me make it up to you. Let’s make incredible love anywhere, anytime! Let me show you the best side of my passion. Whew! He’s back. He’s still around. Thank God I didn’t blow it permanently. It feels so good to be with him. He cares. I need him.
When I realize that I’ve causes irrevocable damage- when the cycle has repeated itself so often I’m convinced that I’ve irrevocably blown it- whether or not he has reached this conclusion- I cut the cord and find somebody else. And go through the whole damned thing again.”

- Rachel Reiland, author of Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

Photo

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:38:07 -0500

living-borderline: leilockheart: (via leilockheart)

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:15:00 -0500

living-borderline:

leilockheart:

(via leilockheart)

String Cheese Incident wooo!!

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 21:37:00 -0500

String Cheese Incident wooo!!

haracas: This is beyond amazing - Setareh Mohtarez galactic...

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:34:00 -0500

haracas:

This is beyond amazing - Setareh Mohtarez galactic dress

Bring the FunkCome alive with the music

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:46:07 -0500

Bring the Funk
Come alive with the music

“We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other...

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 13:38:00 -0500

“We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.”
-Anais Nin

"Trying to define BPD is like staring into a lava lamp: what you see is constantly changing. The..."

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:15:56 -0500

“Trying to define BPD is like staring into a lava lamp: what you see is constantly changing. The illness not only causes instability but symbolizes it.”

- Janice Cauwels, Imbroglio: Rising to the Challenges of Borderline Personality Disorder

Drug Education and Rehab: Xanax Can Create Worry and Anxiety

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:17:00 -0500

Drug Education and Rehab: Xanax Can Create Worry and Anxiety:

drugeducationandrehab:

Can Xanax, the very popular prescription drug that eases anxiety, ruin your life? Absolutely, it can — and not just because it’s highly addictive. It can easily kill you if you take too much of it. Frighteningly, we are seeing that more and more as people are dying… or driving so unsafely that…

And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after...

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:09:00 -0500

And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all. {What it feels like to have Borderline Personality Disorder}
*Potential self injury trigger warning*
Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the most misunderstood and controversial mental illnesses. It carries a great stigma. Few non-borderlines have asked what it actually feels like to have Borderline Personality Disorder, I wish more would. The woman who made this video has come the closest I’ve seen to putting how it feels to have BPD into words. She also has a facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Peeling-Away-the-Layers/127304200628241. She is inspirational!

How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love .{Letter from a Friend}

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 20:18:00 -0500

I AM NOT MY DISORDER.

Friend,

I want to start by thanking you again for helping me to understand how you feel, but also for allowing me to be a part of your life. We have been friends for a long time now,and you are so important and special to me; I care about you so much.

I know you are suffering from Borderline Personality disorder. Thank you for the two books you gave me to read, and being strong enough to talk to me about your own feelings and try your best to make me truly see what you feel every day. Thankfully I am beginning to better understand it. The more information I get, the better I understand you, and I want to understand you, more than anything. I’ll never be able to imagine how you feel on a day-to-day basis. All I know is that you are in so much pain so much of the time and it must feel horrible and scary and overwhelming. I know that there is nothing I can say to make this go away, but that doesn’t scare me. Just know that I acknowledge and understand your feelings, and they are not going to send me running. You have described to me that you feel as if you do not have a sense of purpose, I cannot imagine how terrifying this must be for you. You have described fear, insecurity, doubt, panic, guilt, shame, loneliness, and a constant emptiness as if something is always missing. I have had so many of these feelings on a very minimal level and they have been hurtful and painful. When I think of how amplified your feelings are towards everything, it blows my mind. I want you to know that I acknowledge all of these feelings. I do not, for one single second, take any of these feelings for granted, or doubt that you really feel this way. I know you do, but it doesn’t scare me, and it’s not going to make me run away.

I know a large part of how you feel all is you are unloved, and that you are unlovable. I have certainly felt like that at points, but never to the magnitude that you do. I acknowledge and understand that you feel like this. I want you to know that I do love you and that I am always going to be your friend. I know that may be scary for you to read and hard for you to trust, but I know you wouldn’t have tried so hard to make me understand if you didn’t want me in your life and I won’t desert you. I know you’ve heard it all before, from so many people and have been let down, but I’ll do everything I can to show you, because this is what I see when I see you – you’ve done a lot to make me understand how you feel, I think it’s only fair for me to fully explain to you how I feel, and who you are to me.

I know you feel like you have no identity; that you’re empty and worthless. That must be so painful for you to feel, considering how caring, empathetic, and loving you are, even to people you barely know. That is the sign of a truly good person. I know that any person you have come in contact with, for a short or extended amount of time has felt that. I also know that it carries over to your job and career. If you take nothing else away from this letter please take this, you have a gift for what you do. It is nothing short of miraculous. The qualities that you have as a person come out fully in your job. I know that those are the qualities that truly define you because your love and caring for those you help is genuine; it is not just a “mask” that you wear. Also, you love music; it drives you. You love everything about it. It is truly an enormous part of your life. You once told me, “Music picks me up and fills me with love when I feel like there’s nothing else. I feel more like I’m real at a show or festival than anywhere else. It’s a strange dichotomy that exists there. I can be surrounded by people and yet completely on my own and for once it’s not terrifying. I am comforted by a mass of people loving the same thing that I am; it’s acceptance and independence all at once.” Anyone who understands you understands that this is what you live for.

I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t talk about the other part of who you are, and I saved it for last because it’s the part of you that you hate and that you believe makes you unlovable. I saved it for last because I want you to know that it does not make you unlovable. Part of who you are is that you suffer from BPD. I want you to know that I accept you and that I don’t view this as a flaw, its part of who you are and I care about you all the same. I also know that you feel guilty about a lot of the things that have happened during our friendship and in your past in general and that you feel like you can never make up for them. I can’t change how you feel and I acknowledge those feelings, but these are not the things I think of when I think of you. You have helped me to understand that you have never done anything because you disliked me or wanted to hurt me. Please, if anything, believe me when I say that I know full well that it’s actually the opposite. You do care about me, and caring makes you feel vulnerable, it hurts you and you push those who get too close away.
Because I understand you, it’s why I won’t turn my back on you if something does happen, I’ll do whatever I can to convince you that I won’t abandon you. Part of me wishes that you could take those words and truly believe them in your heart, but I don’t mind saying them over and over. I understand, and 100% accept that this is who you are, but it doesn’t scare me, it doesn’t make me want to run away, and it definitely does not make me care for you any less.

I know you’re an amazing person and a great friend and I really wanted you to see that in yourself for once. I just want you to know that you are loved unconditionally. I promise that I will stick by you. If you ever ask me to prove any of this to you I will. If you don’t ask me, I will. Most of all, I hope you believe me, because I mean every word.

Sincerely,
Your friend

Hope